I wanted to wait a bit before I made my next post, but my heart is so very full right now and I just need to let this out.
Last night, after writing that post, I could not sleep. I spent quite a bit of time in prayer, talking with God about forgiveness. I laid awake for what seemed like hours, chewing things over in my mind. Nicholas woke up and I talked to him about everything. Or rather, I rambled on and on and he listened as well as one who is not completely awake, can do.
As I talked about the part where God's word says that I need to forgive others so that God can forgive me, he stopped me and said he didn't think that was really true, that God would still forgive me. Ever the argumentative one, I rattled off Matthew 6:14-15 to him: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Well...OK. I didn't completely rattle it off. I kind of stumbled over it, and forgot the actual address but I knew what it said... I had the right idea!)
As soon as I had finished saying the verse, I realized something. For the first time in my Christian life, I have truly been seeking God's Word. Until now, I have never really looked to His Word. I have looked at it, I've read it, I have even memorized some scripture throughout my life. But I have never saught it.
In times of trouble. I have just prayed, "Your will be done" and just pushed on through whatever trial I was facing. In times that have been good, I have all but forgotten about it. I guess that I had been telling myself that believing He was there, and that He died to save me from my sin was enough for me. Obviously it is not.
The difference in me now is that I can finally see that his Word is a great big part of this relationship with Him, and it's been missing all these years. As I have decided to truly, freely seek it, it has taken its place as a huge part of my life. I am thirsting for it, absorbing it and standing on it.
I am finding an application for it in just about everything in my life. When I have heard that my friends are down, I've used it to try and comfort them. When those little negative thoughts have started to creep in, I have used it to shoo them away. When a nasty spider came to visit me and my children the other day, I used it to call upon the power of Jesus to give me the courage to whack it with a shoe. (I typically run screaming when I see one)
As I lay there thinking about all of this, I felt something inside me that I hadn't truly felt before: peace. I felt a deep, real peace. The kind that you can just wrap yourself up with and rest in. The kind I have never known.
Ever since this began, I have felt God leading me in the directions where I need to go. I have had realizations and affirmations. But, despite what I feel I am learning, and despite how many times I have sat down and poured my heart out to him in these past 10 days or so, I still have not felt that I have been "heard".
It's not that I was looking for an answer. That, He has already given me. No, what I have been looking for, and craving is His presence. I have been longing to feel Him there beside me when I pray. And even though I haven't been feeling it, I have not doubted Him. I have kept telling myself that He is there, He hears me and He will reveal himself to me when the time is right.
Last night, I truly, truly, felt God's presence. I felt Him wrapping his arms around me and I felt His love and his peace. I finally know what it is like to feel that peace that passes all understanding.
As I write this, the tears are starting to flow. I am so filled with emotion right now. I feel this deep and fulfilling love that is just flooding me. I have a true and profound Joy and I feel as though my heart is going to burst!
"I have told you these things, that My joy and delight may be in you, and that your joy and gladness may be of full measure and complete and overflowing. John 15: 11" He has given me overflowing joy and gladness. It is my prayer that he fills you with it as well.
As I pondered all of this last night, a song kept playing over and over in my head. I leave you with the chorus to that song; I believe that it fits here quite nicely:
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
All my love,
~Michelle
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Out with the Old...
As we prepare to finish and move into the new house, I've slowly been trying to go through all of our stuff and get rid of things we don't need. When we move in, I don't want a bunch of extra junk to find a place for that is just going to sit there and remain unused. I want my house to be clean and clutter-free.
I started with the boys' room and have stripped it down to bare bones, pretty much. And For those who think that's mean, you must understand: my children's toys and clothing possess the magical ability to multiply and furthermore, scatter themselves randomly about the house.
For every bag of toys or clothes that I get rid of, I swear, two more spawn in its place, and always right in the way of where I am going. So, knowing this, I have no qualms about only letting them have a handful of toys and nothing extra. Same with clothes--one outfit of each season for each day of the week is it. They don't need anything else. I'm tired of all the bags upon bags of clothes that they have--clothes that find their way out of the bags and end up sprawled everywhere.
It has dawned on me as I have gone on this "spree", that the same thing is going on in my life. I am still holding on to a whole lot of extra "baggage" that I've been carrying around for years. Rather than leave it behind, I've packed up all of the negative things I've experienced, and all things people said/did to me and I have dragged them with me. These things, like my kids' clothes and toys, seem to find their way out of their bags and end up scattered about my life.
In the time that I have been alive, I have gone through a lot. Those that know me closely are aware of some of the specific trials that I have been through. Many an evil or hurtful thing has been done to or has happened to me.
Up until now, my thoughts toward the people who hurt me have always been those of indignance and self-righteousness. I've taken a "How dare they" stance toward those who have wronged me, and considered myself a better person than they. My attitude has been one of "they will get theirs, someday, just wait." And to those who I have since discovered became followers of Christ, I've been bitter toward. I have told myself "they aren't truly Christians", "God won't accept them because of what they did to me", "they never asked me for forgiveness", ad nauseum.
Paul tells us in Romans 12:17-21, "Repay no one evil for evil ... live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves ... for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Therefore if your enemy hungers, feed him; if he thirsts, give him a drink ... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
I had to stop and take a good, long look at myself and ask myself these questions: Have I been "living peaceably with all men?" No. Have I been overcoming evil with good? No. Have I been repaying evil for evil? Yes. Oh, how foolish and ashamed I feel now. I have become what I once despised; I have taken on that "Holier than thou." persona.
I always thought that phrase was aimed at people who thought their works were better than others, or that they were better because they gave more money to the church, etc. But no... No, this phrase is reserved for hypocrites like me.
John 2:9-11 gave me a good shove off the high horse I've been riding on.... "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 10Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. 11But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him." Ouch. When you read that "Ouch", think about the movie, "E.T." and the way that he said it--that long, deep, guttural, "ouch"..."Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuch."
Luke 6:35-38, and 41-42 is another one that hits home: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ""Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
I cannot think of myself as any better than anyone else, especially those who have hurt me. Their sin is no greater than my own. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 "All"--including me. I have sin in my own life, so why would I be any less to blame for it than they? Nice reality check, isn't it...It's amazing how I am aware of my sin but unaware of it at the same time. (is this clear as mud yet?)
Matthew 6:14-15 tells me, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." So this means that as long as I hold on to these grudges and think these vindictive things toward these people, I cannot be forgiven for my own sins, right? ...Exactly. OUCH, again.
In Colossians 3:13, we are told, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Such simple instructions. They go right along with those such as "Love your neighbor" and "Do unto others." And yet how easily it has evaded me. How simple it is to carry hurt and pain and anger around with you, rather than to just let it go and leave it behind.
In a previous post, I talked about how I have been hanging onto my sin and beating myself up for it. I didn't understand why I did it. Now I think I know. How can I be forgiven if I do not forgive others? This has really, really opened my eyes. It hurts and it is shameful to admit it, but I guess that is all part of the growing. My Mom likes to say, "Sometimes you have to hurt so that you can heal." She's so right.
I have also realized that I have been guilty of using my past and all its sadness as a crutch. I don't know how many times I have made excuses for myself and blamed my own foolish actions on "everything I have been through", rather than taking responsibility for them. "Wah, wah, I've gone through (insert painful part of my past here), therefore it's not my fault, I can't do it", etc. I've played the part of the victim, and I've played it oh, so well.
So many realizations, all at once. It's almost a bit overwhelming. Thank God for the Word. In Matthew 5:44-45, He tells me what to do: "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."
My task is clear: In in order to rid myself of all this extra baggage, I need to recognize the fact that I am no better than anyone who has committed a wrong against me. We are all sinners and none of us are greater than any other, especially me. I need to rid myself of the vengeful and vindictive thoughts toward these people, and forgive them. Furthermore, I need to pray for them. "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:25 I also need to ask God to forgive me for the thoughts I have held against them.
"But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:62)
It's time to pack up all this bitterness, negativity, self-righteousness and this unforgiving spirit and leave it on the road behind me. If I continue to carry it, I will never be able move on. I will never become the person God wants me to be.
This has been a painful realization for me. And yet, at the same time, it has been liberating. As I have come to grips with these things, the chains that have been holding me back are breaking. I can finally move on now.
I leave you with this verse, which has been playing over and over in my mind: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14)
Here's to remembering to forget what is behind and pressing on toward the goal.
Blessings,
~Michelle
I started with the boys' room and have stripped it down to bare bones, pretty much. And For those who think that's mean, you must understand: my children's toys and clothing possess the magical ability to multiply and furthermore, scatter themselves randomly about the house.
For every bag of toys or clothes that I get rid of, I swear, two more spawn in its place, and always right in the way of where I am going. So, knowing this, I have no qualms about only letting them have a handful of toys and nothing extra. Same with clothes--one outfit of each season for each day of the week is it. They don't need anything else. I'm tired of all the bags upon bags of clothes that they have--clothes that find their way out of the bags and end up sprawled everywhere.
It has dawned on me as I have gone on this "spree", that the same thing is going on in my life. I am still holding on to a whole lot of extra "baggage" that I've been carrying around for years. Rather than leave it behind, I've packed up all of the negative things I've experienced, and all things people said/did to me and I have dragged them with me. These things, like my kids' clothes and toys, seem to find their way out of their bags and end up scattered about my life.
In the time that I have been alive, I have gone through a lot. Those that know me closely are aware of some of the specific trials that I have been through. Many an evil or hurtful thing has been done to or has happened to me.
Up until now, my thoughts toward the people who hurt me have always been those of indignance and self-righteousness. I've taken a "How dare they" stance toward those who have wronged me, and considered myself a better person than they. My attitude has been one of "they will get theirs, someday, just wait." And to those who I have since discovered became followers of Christ, I've been bitter toward. I have told myself "they aren't truly Christians", "God won't accept them because of what they did to me", "they never asked me for forgiveness", ad nauseum.
Paul tells us in Romans 12:17-21, "Repay no one evil for evil ... live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves ... for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Therefore if your enemy hungers, feed him; if he thirsts, give him a drink ... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
I had to stop and take a good, long look at myself and ask myself these questions: Have I been "living peaceably with all men?" No. Have I been overcoming evil with good? No. Have I been repaying evil for evil? Yes. Oh, how foolish and ashamed I feel now. I have become what I once despised; I have taken on that "Holier than thou." persona.
I always thought that phrase was aimed at people who thought their works were better than others, or that they were better because they gave more money to the church, etc. But no... No, this phrase is reserved for hypocrites like me.
John 2:9-11 gave me a good shove off the high horse I've been riding on.... "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 10Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. 11But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him." Ouch. When you read that "Ouch", think about the movie, "E.T." and the way that he said it--that long, deep, guttural, "ouch"..."Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuch."
Luke 6:35-38, and 41-42 is another one that hits home: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ""Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
I cannot think of myself as any better than anyone else, especially those who have hurt me. Their sin is no greater than my own. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 "All"--including me. I have sin in my own life, so why would I be any less to blame for it than they? Nice reality check, isn't it...It's amazing how I am aware of my sin but unaware of it at the same time. (is this clear as mud yet?)
Matthew 6:14-15 tells me, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." So this means that as long as I hold on to these grudges and think these vindictive things toward these people, I cannot be forgiven for my own sins, right? ...Exactly. OUCH, again.
In Colossians 3:13, we are told, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Such simple instructions. They go right along with those such as "Love your neighbor" and "Do unto others." And yet how easily it has evaded me. How simple it is to carry hurt and pain and anger around with you, rather than to just let it go and leave it behind.
In a previous post, I talked about how I have been hanging onto my sin and beating myself up for it. I didn't understand why I did it. Now I think I know. How can I be forgiven if I do not forgive others? This has really, really opened my eyes. It hurts and it is shameful to admit it, but I guess that is all part of the growing. My Mom likes to say, "Sometimes you have to hurt so that you can heal." She's so right.
I have also realized that I have been guilty of using my past and all its sadness as a crutch. I don't know how many times I have made excuses for myself and blamed my own foolish actions on "everything I have been through", rather than taking responsibility for them. "Wah, wah, I've gone through (insert painful part of my past here), therefore it's not my fault, I can't do it", etc. I've played the part of the victim, and I've played it oh, so well.
So many realizations, all at once. It's almost a bit overwhelming. Thank God for the Word. In Matthew 5:44-45, He tells me what to do: "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."
My task is clear: In in order to rid myself of all this extra baggage, I need to recognize the fact that I am no better than anyone who has committed a wrong against me. We are all sinners and none of us are greater than any other, especially me. I need to rid myself of the vengeful and vindictive thoughts toward these people, and forgive them. Furthermore, I need to pray for them. "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:25 I also need to ask God to forgive me for the thoughts I have held against them.
"But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:62)
It's time to pack up all this bitterness, negativity, self-righteousness and this unforgiving spirit and leave it on the road behind me. If I continue to carry it, I will never be able move on. I will never become the person God wants me to be.
This has been a painful realization for me. And yet, at the same time, it has been liberating. As I have come to grips with these things, the chains that have been holding me back are breaking. I can finally move on now.
I leave you with this verse, which has been playing over and over in my mind: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14)
Here's to remembering to forget what is behind and pressing on toward the goal.
Blessings,
~Michelle
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wonderfully Made (Part 2)
It goes deeper than apperances though. A great big part of my negative self image is my shame and guilt over my life. I have been measuring my self worth against what I've done. Because of my sins and mistakes, I am feeling inadequate and I have been telling myself that I am not good enough for God. I have deemed myself un-loveable, a lost cause--unable to be saved because I have done too many things wrong.
Perhaps my problem is that I've never truly let God take my sin and cleanse me of it. Or maybe it's that even after I became a Christian, I have continued to sin. We all do-- Romans 3:23 tells us, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". But I think that somewhere along the road, I learned that if I sin after asking Jesus to save me, I am erasing or discounting that forgiveness and salvation. I have no idea where this kind of thinking comes from, but it's there and I need to overcome it.
The logic is so simple--Christ died for us and cleansed our sins from us. He was crucified one time--not over and over again. "And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Hebrews 10:10
Once for all--Meaning that I don't have to go back and beat myself up over my sin. There's not some hidden, secret, or forgotten transgression that I failed to mention when I prayed the sinner's prayer. It's not as if God's saying, "Oh, wait--you forgot to mention that time you stole the change from your Dad to buy an ice cream. I'm sorry, but I cannot give you salvation. Better luck next time." That idea is positively silly. But that is honestly the equivalent to my thinking.
My God forgives me. By Jesus's blood, I am made clean. "This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins." Matthew 26:28 When he died for me, He paid the debt for my sin and set me free from it. "...Because on this day atonement will be made for you, to cleanse you. Then, before the LORD, you will be clean from all your sins." Leviticus 16:30
Now, it's time to forgive myself and move on from my past. When I gave my life to Jesus, I was made new. He washed my sins away and gave me a clean slate. Therefore I need to forgive and let them go, just as he did. "...As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12 Jesus does not look at the sins of my past. He does not condemn me. Why would I condemn myself?
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17
I am free from my sins, my past. Now I move forward, knowing that no matter what, God loves me and has forgiven me. Yes, I will sin again. Sin is part of our lives. We are born into it. We ARE sin. But rather than dwell on my sin, I will learn from it, ask God for forgiveness for it, know that he forgives me, and move on. No more going back and digging up the graves of my sin. And no more telling God that he made a mistake when he created me.
From now on, my self worth will come from God. Not from my past, or my sins, not from what I have, or do not have, or what I look like. This lump of clay is saying to the Potter: "Thank you for making me just the way you would have me be. Please continue molding and shaping me according to your plan."
Perhaps my problem is that I've never truly let God take my sin and cleanse me of it. Or maybe it's that even after I became a Christian, I have continued to sin. We all do-- Romans 3:23 tells us, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". But I think that somewhere along the road, I learned that if I sin after asking Jesus to save me, I am erasing or discounting that forgiveness and salvation. I have no idea where this kind of thinking comes from, but it's there and I need to overcome it.
The logic is so simple--Christ died for us and cleansed our sins from us. He was crucified one time--not over and over again. "And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Hebrews 10:10
Once for all--Meaning that I don't have to go back and beat myself up over my sin. There's not some hidden, secret, or forgotten transgression that I failed to mention when I prayed the sinner's prayer. It's not as if God's saying, "Oh, wait--you forgot to mention that time you stole the change from your Dad to buy an ice cream. I'm sorry, but I cannot give you salvation. Better luck next time." That idea is positively silly. But that is honestly the equivalent to my thinking.
My God forgives me. By Jesus's blood, I am made clean. "This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins." Matthew 26:28 When he died for me, He paid the debt for my sin and set me free from it. "...Because on this day atonement will be made for you, to cleanse you. Then, before the LORD, you will be clean from all your sins." Leviticus 16:30
Now, it's time to forgive myself and move on from my past. When I gave my life to Jesus, I was made new. He washed my sins away and gave me a clean slate. Therefore I need to forgive and let them go, just as he did. "...As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12 Jesus does not look at the sins of my past. He does not condemn me. Why would I condemn myself?
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17
I am free from my sins, my past. Now I move forward, knowing that no matter what, God loves me and has forgiven me. Yes, I will sin again. Sin is part of our lives. We are born into it. We ARE sin. But rather than dwell on my sin, I will learn from it, ask God for forgiveness for it, know that he forgives me, and move on. No more going back and digging up the graves of my sin. And no more telling God that he made a mistake when he created me.
From now on, my self worth will come from God. Not from my past, or my sins, not from what I have, or do not have, or what I look like. This lump of clay is saying to the Potter: "Thank you for making me just the way you would have me be. Please continue molding and shaping me according to your plan."
Wonderfully Made
It's amazing how something that has seemed so complicated, confusing or impossible can suddenly become so clear and simple once you are looking at it the right way.
I decided that in order to overcome this issue I have with self-acceptance and self-esteem, I really needed to search and find out what it really means. I've been on a mission, searching for bible verses on self-acceptance and I've spent time in prayer asking God to help me understand and overcome this obstacle. My Mom gave me a WONDERFUL book to read, called "Who Calls Me Beautiful?" It's really speaking to my heart.
I'm discovering that my real problem is that I look at myself through the eyes of the world. Everything that I measure myself against is either appearance, possessions or status. And NONE of it really matters. None of that makes any difference to who I am, on the inside, and IN HIM. I see now that the first thing I need to do, is stop comparing myself to everyone else and everything around me. I need to stop and look at myself through the eyes of the one who made me.
One of my friends suggested a verse to me. It's so simple and yet it speaks volumes: "And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good." --Genesis 1:31 EVERY THING--that includes ME.
While searching for more verses on self-acceptance, I came across this passage: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. " Psalm 139:13-16
I have known these verses for years, and yet as I read them it was as if I was reading them for the first time, and a light came on. God knew me before he made me. He knew who I would be, what I would look like, who my parents would be and who my children would be. He created me with plan and a purpose. I'm not just some pile of scraps he just threw together and said "Oh well, I tried."
As I dug deeper, I found more verses that spoke to me about my negative self image. These next few made me feel ashamed as I realized I have been guilty of "quarreling" with my Maker:
"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' Does your work say, 'He has no hands'? Isaiah 45:8-10
All those times I have looked in the mirror and said negative things to myself, I have been complaining about God's perfect work. It is as if I am a lump of clay telling the Potter he doesn't know what he's doing...totally absurd. Who am I to say that? Nothing. Nothing but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. I have no right to judge his perfect work. And yet, every time I have complained about myself, for whatever reason, I have done just that.
"You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"? Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"? Isaiah 29:16
It is time for me to start appreciating God for making me who I am. My God does not make mistakes. He did not make one when he made me. His works are wonderful. He made me. I am wonderfully made by Him.
I decided that in order to overcome this issue I have with self-acceptance and self-esteem, I really needed to search and find out what it really means. I've been on a mission, searching for bible verses on self-acceptance and I've spent time in prayer asking God to help me understand and overcome this obstacle. My Mom gave me a WONDERFUL book to read, called "Who Calls Me Beautiful?" It's really speaking to my heart.
I'm discovering that my real problem is that I look at myself through the eyes of the world. Everything that I measure myself against is either appearance, possessions or status. And NONE of it really matters. None of that makes any difference to who I am, on the inside, and IN HIM. I see now that the first thing I need to do, is stop comparing myself to everyone else and everything around me. I need to stop and look at myself through the eyes of the one who made me.
One of my friends suggested a verse to me. It's so simple and yet it speaks volumes: "And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good." --Genesis 1:31 EVERY THING--that includes ME.
While searching for more verses on self-acceptance, I came across this passage: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. " Psalm 139:13-16
I have known these verses for years, and yet as I read them it was as if I was reading them for the first time, and a light came on. God knew me before he made me. He knew who I would be, what I would look like, who my parents would be and who my children would be. He created me with plan and a purpose. I'm not just some pile of scraps he just threw together and said "Oh well, I tried."
As I dug deeper, I found more verses that spoke to me about my negative self image. These next few made me feel ashamed as I realized I have been guilty of "quarreling" with my Maker:
"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' Does your work say, 'He has no hands'? Isaiah 45:8-10
All those times I have looked in the mirror and said negative things to myself, I have been complaining about God's perfect work. It is as if I am a lump of clay telling the Potter he doesn't know what he's doing...totally absurd. Who am I to say that? Nothing. Nothing but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. I have no right to judge his perfect work. And yet, every time I have complained about myself, for whatever reason, I have done just that.
"You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"? Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"? Isaiah 29:16
It is time for me to start appreciating God for making me who I am. My God does not make mistakes. He did not make one when he made me. His works are wonderful. He made me. I am wonderfully made by Him.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Forty Days and Forty Nights...
I find it more than a coincidence that our "goal" date to finish our new home is October 31st--exactly 40 days from September 21st which is the day that I began writing my story. (on my computer--I did not start posting it to Blogger until the following day.)
When we leave this place, and move into our new home, I want it to be a completely new start--for me and for our entire family. I want our home to be filled with God's love. When you walk into my house, I want you to feel warmth and peace, not chaos and strife. And I know that this is my task, mine and mine alone.
In God's Word, Proverbs talks about how the woman is the one who sets the tone of the home. So it is up to me to work at providing stability and setting the Godly example for my family. If I am constantly overwhelmed, and negative, and unhappy, that is going to manifest itself in my children, and it will wear on my marriage. How can I provide a home filled with God's love if I am not letting him fill me with that love? How can I pass on something that I do not have to give?
Forty days...the same amount of time that Jesus spent in the Desert. It is now clear to me that these next 40 days are going to be my time in the "Desert". The more soul-searching I do, the more that I realize that I am thirsty...thirsty for him, thirsty for his word, and thirsty for his perfect love and the peace that passes all understanding. So I am going to use this time to grow closer to him, and to make the changes on the inside that I know need to be made. That is my goal, and the real, true purpose of this blog: Writing about my experiences helps me reflect on them and see and absorb things that I might have otherwise overlooked.
Forty days from now, as I prepare to move into new home, I want to be a new person--this time on the inside. I want to be closer to Christ Jesus. I want my husband, children, family and friends to see the light of Jesus shining through me. I want to be the Godly woman who is an example to everyone around her of what Jesus is like. And the one who can smile and praise God even in her darkest hours.
Again, I ask for your prayers.
All my love,
~Michelle
When we leave this place, and move into our new home, I want it to be a completely new start--for me and for our entire family. I want our home to be filled with God's love. When you walk into my house, I want you to feel warmth and peace, not chaos and strife. And I know that this is my task, mine and mine alone.
In God's Word, Proverbs talks about how the woman is the one who sets the tone of the home. So it is up to me to work at providing stability and setting the Godly example for my family. If I am constantly overwhelmed, and negative, and unhappy, that is going to manifest itself in my children, and it will wear on my marriage. How can I provide a home filled with God's love if I am not letting him fill me with that love? How can I pass on something that I do not have to give?
Forty days...the same amount of time that Jesus spent in the Desert. It is now clear to me that these next 40 days are going to be my time in the "Desert". The more soul-searching I do, the more that I realize that I am thirsty...thirsty for him, thirsty for his word, and thirsty for his perfect love and the peace that passes all understanding. So I am going to use this time to grow closer to him, and to make the changes on the inside that I know need to be made. That is my goal, and the real, true purpose of this blog: Writing about my experiences helps me reflect on them and see and absorb things that I might have otherwise overlooked.
Forty days from now, as I prepare to move into new home, I want to be a new person--this time on the inside. I want to be closer to Christ Jesus. I want my husband, children, family and friends to see the light of Jesus shining through me. I want to be the Godly woman who is an example to everyone around her of what Jesus is like. And the one who can smile and praise God even in her darkest hours.
Again, I ask for your prayers.
All my love,
~Michelle
The Reason
I am reminded every day just what a wonderful man my husband is, and how right he is for me. I have no doubt that he was chosen by God to be my partner, friend and leader.
I could not sleep again last night, and this time, instead of sitting there in the dark crying over my daughter, I decided to talk to Nicholas about what I was going through.
My husband is one of those people who is wise beyond their years. And his response to what I told him was not only unexpected, but profound. And painful to hear.
Me: "Babe, do you ever feel like you grow weary of life and all its hardships, and sometimes you just wish for it to be over with so you can be in Heaven?"
Him: "No. Not at all. Michelle, I am happy with life. Why would you say something like that anyway? Are you unhappy? What's wrong?"
It was here that I told him about how I realized that I needed to grieve for baby Grace. Before I could continue on to tell him about how I had also realized that I had set my relationship with Jesus on the back burner, he cut me off. He asked if this was something I needed to just talk about, to get out, and I told him yes. I was not prepared for what he said next. Rather than catering to my sad and over-emotional state, (which was what I wanted) he threw a reality brick at me. Not in a bad way. It was exactly what I needed.
He told me a parable, of sorts, of a farmer. This farmer has some healthy seeds. He tills the soil and plants the seeds. He waters and cares for them and watches over them as they grow into plants. As they grow, he notices that one of the plants is not doing as well as the rest of them. Time goes by and this plant begins to die. As the plant dies, the farmer realizes that the roots of the dying plant are choking off the roots of the healthy plants. So he removes the plant and the roots from the ground.
He stopped there and asked me, "Michelle, do you think that the farmer should dwell on the lost plant, and let it stay there simply because he will miss it? No. He knows that in order for the other plants to flourish, he needs to remove the dead plant."
At first, what he said made me angry: "But this was a BABY! A human being, a life! Not some stupid plant!" I started to tear up again.
"You're taking this the wrong way. I'm not saying that you can't be sad, or that you have to just bottle your feelings and go on. I'm saying that you should not DWELL on it. Grieve, get it out, and LET IT GO. I'm sorry, Baby, but you have a tendency to hold on to things a lot longer than you should."
I bit my lip. He asked, "Are you THAT unhappy that you just want it to end? Is our life THAT bad for you?"
Before I could answer, he cut me off again. "Michelle, no matter how bad things get, I never wish for my life to end because it is a GIFT that God gives us! He wants us to LIVE, and to love Him and love each other! If I were to say that I was tired of this life and wanted it to end, it would be like saying to God, 'Well, God, this Jaguar is nice, but you know, I really wanted a Porsche.' You honestly don't feel that your words right now are a slap in the face to God?"
I had nothing to say to that. He continued:
"Michelle, do you ever stop and think about the GOOD things that we have? Do you ever remember to thank God for all that he has given us?" Silence.
"I don't think that you realize just how blessed we are. You are always focused on what's wrong, or missing, or whatever struggle we are facing this minute to notice what a gift this life is."
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. He had hit it, dead on.
But I was wounded. So I shot back, "How can you be so happy right now? How can you just sit there and smile while our lives fall apart? God, don't you ever feel ANYTHING?" (the details of how things have been "falling apart" for us will be in my story which I referenced in my first post here--once I get to that point, of course.)
He suddenly turned to me and there was a sternness to his voice that I only hear when he is disciplining our children.
"Michelle, you need to learn to accept things as they are and be happy. You need to start thanking God for what you HAVE, instead of whining and dwelling on the things you don't have, or the things that you have lost. Rather than going on and on about a baby that we never even got to see, you need to start being grateful and thank God for the beautiful blessing that is sleeping in that crib right there". He nodded toward Gabrielle's co-sleeper. He took a breath and looked back at me. "Until you do that, you are never going to be happy, no matter what you have."
Tears began to pour down my cheeks and I tried to stifle a sob. His voice was gentle and he lifted my chin and asked me, "What is so bad about your life? Tell me."
As I thought about it and started to list my reasons, he pointed out to me (and I realized, at the same time) that everything I put worth into was of this world. Where we lived, the circumstances of the kids being sick so much, our finances, things we didn't have, things I wished I could have done, and of course, Grace. But as I continued, I started to name things like my shortcomings in life, as a wife and mother, all the regrets I had, all the things I wanted to change about myself. I rambled on, and Nicholas suddenly stopped me and said, "Michelle, you don't love yourself."
The idea of loving oneself is slightly embarrassing and seems vain to me. But as he talked, I realized that he was right--what I was really unhappy with was ME. I have no self-worth. I don't feel like I am worth anything to anyone--God, my family, or myself.
I have always had a low self esteem. And through the years, I have tried to overcome it. But for some reason I've never been able to truly accept and be happy with myself. Through the rest of our conversation, I realized that I have a problem of confusing self-love with vanity. All of my attempts at improving my self-worth included things like PHYSICAL changes--getting my hair cut, new clothes, losing weight--all things that only deal with the outside. I thought that if I could change the outside to something I could be happy with, I would finally accept myself and be happy. Wrong. Obviously, that logic is flawed. Because here I am, umpteen haircuts and wardrobe changes, two more children and an almost-finished house later--still unhappy.
Of course, it wasn't only my appearance that I wanted to change. I constantly wish for better circumstances for us, more money, a new house, more children...if I just had (insert worldly possession, etc. here) I would finally be happy. Time and time again, I have tried to fill the hole that has been inside me for so long, with things of this world...the hole, that even though I asked Jesus to come into my heart, and I started to follow him, I've never ever let him fill. And yet it's so simple...he's the only one who CAN fill it for me. So why haven't I let him? Why can't I just let it go and let him fully take control and help to heal me?
We talked about it for quite some time. He told me that until I was able to forgive myself, and accept and love the person that I am, I cannot truly love anyone else--God, him, my children, family...anybody. At first I was irritated at what he said. But as I lay there, long after the conversation ended, I realized he is right.
"So...how do I learn to love myself? What do I need to do?"
"I don't know. I can't tell you that, you will have to figure it out for yourself."
I stared into the dark long after he fell asleep. So many questions were turning over and over in my mind. What is it that has been holding me back from forgiving, accepting and learning to love myself? Is it guilt? Fear? Fear of rejection? I have been chewing on this since last night.
Now I know the first thing I need to do besides allowing myself to grieve for baby Grace. I need to do some serious soul searching, praying, and let God show me how to overcome these obstacles that are preventing me from learning self-acceptance. I need to give EVERYTHING over to Jesus and let him be the one who fills this hole in my heart...because only he can.
And so I begin...please pray for me. Pray that I keep my heart open to him, that I am able to give myself to him, and that I can learn to accept myself and love myself for who I am--his creation.
Right now I am still racked with guilt for how I have let my relationship with him go to the sidelines and I am ashamed. This first part is going to be really hard for me.
~Michelle
I could not sleep again last night, and this time, instead of sitting there in the dark crying over my daughter, I decided to talk to Nicholas about what I was going through.
My husband is one of those people who is wise beyond their years. And his response to what I told him was not only unexpected, but profound. And painful to hear.
Me: "Babe, do you ever feel like you grow weary of life and all its hardships, and sometimes you just wish for it to be over with so you can be in Heaven?"
Him: "No. Not at all. Michelle, I am happy with life. Why would you say something like that anyway? Are you unhappy? What's wrong?"
It was here that I told him about how I realized that I needed to grieve for baby Grace. Before I could continue on to tell him about how I had also realized that I had set my relationship with Jesus on the back burner, he cut me off. He asked if this was something I needed to just talk about, to get out, and I told him yes. I was not prepared for what he said next. Rather than catering to my sad and over-emotional state, (which was what I wanted) he threw a reality brick at me. Not in a bad way. It was exactly what I needed.
He told me a parable, of sorts, of a farmer. This farmer has some healthy seeds. He tills the soil and plants the seeds. He waters and cares for them and watches over them as they grow into plants. As they grow, he notices that one of the plants is not doing as well as the rest of them. Time goes by and this plant begins to die. As the plant dies, the farmer realizes that the roots of the dying plant are choking off the roots of the healthy plants. So he removes the plant and the roots from the ground.
He stopped there and asked me, "Michelle, do you think that the farmer should dwell on the lost plant, and let it stay there simply because he will miss it? No. He knows that in order for the other plants to flourish, he needs to remove the dead plant."
At first, what he said made me angry: "But this was a BABY! A human being, a life! Not some stupid plant!" I started to tear up again.
"You're taking this the wrong way. I'm not saying that you can't be sad, or that you have to just bottle your feelings and go on. I'm saying that you should not DWELL on it. Grieve, get it out, and LET IT GO. I'm sorry, Baby, but you have a tendency to hold on to things a lot longer than you should."
I bit my lip. He asked, "Are you THAT unhappy that you just want it to end? Is our life THAT bad for you?"
Before I could answer, he cut me off again. "Michelle, no matter how bad things get, I never wish for my life to end because it is a GIFT that God gives us! He wants us to LIVE, and to love Him and love each other! If I were to say that I was tired of this life and wanted it to end, it would be like saying to God, 'Well, God, this Jaguar is nice, but you know, I really wanted a Porsche.' You honestly don't feel that your words right now are a slap in the face to God?"
I had nothing to say to that. He continued:
"Michelle, do you ever stop and think about the GOOD things that we have? Do you ever remember to thank God for all that he has given us?" Silence.
"I don't think that you realize just how blessed we are. You are always focused on what's wrong, or missing, or whatever struggle we are facing this minute to notice what a gift this life is."
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. He had hit it, dead on.
But I was wounded. So I shot back, "How can you be so happy right now? How can you just sit there and smile while our lives fall apart? God, don't you ever feel ANYTHING?" (the details of how things have been "falling apart" for us will be in my story which I referenced in my first post here--once I get to that point, of course.)
He suddenly turned to me and there was a sternness to his voice that I only hear when he is disciplining our children.
"Michelle, you need to learn to accept things as they are and be happy. You need to start thanking God for what you HAVE, instead of whining and dwelling on the things you don't have, or the things that you have lost. Rather than going on and on about a baby that we never even got to see, you need to start being grateful and thank God for the beautiful blessing that is sleeping in that crib right there". He nodded toward Gabrielle's co-sleeper. He took a breath and looked back at me. "Until you do that, you are never going to be happy, no matter what you have."
Tears began to pour down my cheeks and I tried to stifle a sob. His voice was gentle and he lifted my chin and asked me, "What is so bad about your life? Tell me."
As I thought about it and started to list my reasons, he pointed out to me (and I realized, at the same time) that everything I put worth into was of this world. Where we lived, the circumstances of the kids being sick so much, our finances, things we didn't have, things I wished I could have done, and of course, Grace. But as I continued, I started to name things like my shortcomings in life, as a wife and mother, all the regrets I had, all the things I wanted to change about myself. I rambled on, and Nicholas suddenly stopped me and said, "Michelle, you don't love yourself."
The idea of loving oneself is slightly embarrassing and seems vain to me. But as he talked, I realized that he was right--what I was really unhappy with was ME. I have no self-worth. I don't feel like I am worth anything to anyone--God, my family, or myself.
I have always had a low self esteem. And through the years, I have tried to overcome it. But for some reason I've never been able to truly accept and be happy with myself. Through the rest of our conversation, I realized that I have a problem of confusing self-love with vanity. All of my attempts at improving my self-worth included things like PHYSICAL changes--getting my hair cut, new clothes, losing weight--all things that only deal with the outside. I thought that if I could change the outside to something I could be happy with, I would finally accept myself and be happy. Wrong. Obviously, that logic is flawed. Because here I am, umpteen haircuts and wardrobe changes, two more children and an almost-finished house later--still unhappy.
Of course, it wasn't only my appearance that I wanted to change. I constantly wish for better circumstances for us, more money, a new house, more children...if I just had (insert worldly possession, etc. here) I would finally be happy. Time and time again, I have tried to fill the hole that has been inside me for so long, with things of this world...the hole, that even though I asked Jesus to come into my heart, and I started to follow him, I've never ever let him fill. And yet it's so simple...he's the only one who CAN fill it for me. So why haven't I let him? Why can't I just let it go and let him fully take control and help to heal me?
We talked about it for quite some time. He told me that until I was able to forgive myself, and accept and love the person that I am, I cannot truly love anyone else--God, him, my children, family...anybody. At first I was irritated at what he said. But as I lay there, long after the conversation ended, I realized he is right.
"So...how do I learn to love myself? What do I need to do?"
"I don't know. I can't tell you that, you will have to figure it out for yourself."
I stared into the dark long after he fell asleep. So many questions were turning over and over in my mind. What is it that has been holding me back from forgiving, accepting and learning to love myself? Is it guilt? Fear? Fear of rejection? I have been chewing on this since last night.
Now I know the first thing I need to do besides allowing myself to grieve for baby Grace. I need to do some serious soul searching, praying, and let God show me how to overcome these obstacles that are preventing me from learning self-acceptance. I need to give EVERYTHING over to Jesus and let him be the one who fills this hole in my heart...because only he can.
And so I begin...please pray for me. Pray that I keep my heart open to him, that I am able to give myself to him, and that I can learn to accept myself and love myself for who I am--his creation.
Right now I am still racked with guilt for how I have let my relationship with him go to the sidelines and I am ashamed. This first part is going to be really hard for me.
~Michelle
Glory Baby
I know that I said that this blog is going to be for the present and future, but I feel that I need to include this, because it is part of the realizations that I am making, and part of my growth. And so...
I've been spending most of my free time writing my story. For the four days since I started it, I have still been weepy and teary eyed. And that song, "Glory Baby", has still been haunting me. It plays over and over in my head. Last night it finally hit me, as to why.
Last night, I was going through my graphic files looking for stuff suitable to create a layout for my new blog page. As I scanned through the files, I came across the folder containing pictures of all of my pregnancy tests and ultrasounds. There, in the folder, were the pictures of the ultrasounds from the first trimester of Gabrielle's pregnancy. As I looked at the photos for the first time in over a year, I started sobbing. I suddenly knew why that song had haunted me so, and why I had been brought to that woman's blog.
You see, Gabrielle, my baby girl, was a twin. Her sister, whom we named Grace, passed away early in the pregnancy.
The pregnancy itself was riddled with problems from the beginning. I had just miscarried (very early) and went back to the doctor because I still felt pregnant, only to find out that I was pregnant AGAIN! Very early into the pregnancy, I developed a cyst on my ovary that ruptured and bled. The same day the doctor found the cyst, he saw the gestational sac on the ultrasound. It was empty. When he told me, I could tell he didn't think it would be a viable pregnancy. He tried to sound positive, saying that it was early, and a baby still could show up, but to try and not get my hopes up. All of my levels and everything else looked great so he wanted to wait and do another ultrasound the following week to see if there was anything in the sac.
I held on to the hope that it was too early to see anything and I prayed and prayed for a miracle. And although I couldn't explain why, from the minute he told me what the levels were, I just KNEW there was more than one baby. The following week he did another ultrasound to check on the cyst (which was healing nicely) and look at the sac. Sure enough, within the gestational sac were two yolk sacs. It was too early to see the babies themselves, but he told me the yolk sacs were normal size, although one was slightly smaller than the other. He cautioned me to not get excited yet, because this looked like a rare type of pregnancy--mono-amniotic twins, and it came with a high risk of miscarriage.
Mono-amniotic twins means that the babies are both inside one gestational sac. It can be dangerous, because there is a risk of the babies getting entangled in each other's cords, twin-to-twin transfusion, (where one twin basically takes the other's blood and nutrient supply) premature rupture of membranes (water breaking too early) you name it. In a typical "momo twins" (the nickname for it) pregnancy, once the babies reach "viability", (24 weeks) the mother is hospitalized and on complete bed rest until the end of the pregnancy. Only a small percent of momo-twins make it to term. The vast majority of them are delivered prematurely. (I know all of this because I did a ton of research as soon as I got home from the doctor's office.)
Even in the face of this possibility, we were elated. The doctor had told us that twins who form inside the same sac are always identical, so we knew that they would look alike. We told our families the big news, and started planning for twins right away. We picked out names for them. Nicholas was convinced they were girls, and the girl names were what we focused on. We only got as far as picking out middle names for boys--Nick felt that there was no need. We dreamed about what they would look like and what our life would be like with 4 children.
Over the next few weeks, I went back and forth to the doctor for ultrasounds to check on the twins. One had been measuring smaller than the other, and it had taken a few extra days to show us a heartbeat than the first one, so he wanted to keep an eye on them. As time went by, the bigger of the babies, "Baby A", grew perfectly. But the smaller twin, "Baby B", was growing at a much slower rate, and the heart rate was much slower than it should have been. I still had hope, but I think that I knew deep down that Baby B was not going to make it.
One morning I woke up to find that I was spotting. I started crying, because I just KNEW that Baby B had gone to Heaven. I went back to the doctor and he did an ultrasound. Although he could find no reason for the spotting, he did confirm my worst fear: Baby B was gone. There had been no more growth and the heartbeat had stopped. He wanted me to keep coming back for more ultrasounds to make sure that Baby A was still doing okay, because twin loss made my miscarriage risk skyrocket.
Instead of grieving the loss of Baby B, I tried to focus on the baby that was still growing in there. The following weeks Baby A (we later found out she was a girl) proved that she was strong and doing just fine. And despite some scares with preterm labor and low amniotic fluid, she made it here just fine. She surprised us a month before her due date but she was just as healthy as could be.
The day we found out that the baby was a girl, we named both her and the twin who went to heaven. To the baby who was wiggling around in my tummy, we gave the name Gabrielle Arianna. And to the sweet angel who left us so early, we gave the name Grace Addison.
Looking at the pictures of the ultrasounds and remembering that part of the pregnancy that made me realize why I had been the way I was. I had never had a chance to really grieve the loss of our little Grace. I had been so focused on Gabrielle, and so scared that she, too, might leave us, that I had just shelved my feelings. Now, as I looked at the photographs, with the measurements and heart rates, I willingly let the tears come. I felt my heart breaking and I cried until my stomach hurt. The words of "Glory Baby" kept echoing in my mind and the harder I tried to think about how she was happy and healthy in Heaven, the harder it seemed to accept. I kept thinking of what it would have been like to have her here. I wondered what her personality would have been like, if she would have enjoyed "peek-a-boo" or enjoyed babbling at her Daddy and pinching his face the way that Gabrielle does.
So yes, now I am finally grieving. I am sad and I am allowing myself to finally feel it. I start to think about how I will never get to see her, or hold her, but then I catch myself and remember that one day, I will. In heaven. Perhaps that is why "Glory Baby" affected me so. Maybe I needed to be reminded that it is okay to be sad for her loss, but I also need to remember that she is with her Savior. "....Heaven is your home, and that's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know..." Jesus is holding her. She knows no sorrow, no pain, no suffering. And she never will. She will only know peace, and love and the Glory of Him. And one day, when I go home to be with him, I will finally hold her.
I must stop now; the tears are flowing again so it is obviously time for another good cry.
Below, I have posted the lyrics for the song, "Glory Baby" by Watermark.
~Michelle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glory baby, you slipped away
as fast as we could say baby, baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby, baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
But we miss you everyday,
Miss you in every way
But we know that there's a day when we will hold you,
We will hold you
And You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
I've been spending most of my free time writing my story. For the four days since I started it, I have still been weepy and teary eyed. And that song, "Glory Baby", has still been haunting me. It plays over and over in my head. Last night it finally hit me, as to why.
Last night, I was going through my graphic files looking for stuff suitable to create a layout for my new blog page. As I scanned through the files, I came across the folder containing pictures of all of my pregnancy tests and ultrasounds. There, in the folder, were the pictures of the ultrasounds from the first trimester of Gabrielle's pregnancy. As I looked at the photos for the first time in over a year, I started sobbing. I suddenly knew why that song had haunted me so, and why I had been brought to that woman's blog.
You see, Gabrielle, my baby girl, was a twin. Her sister, whom we named Grace, passed away early in the pregnancy.
The pregnancy itself was riddled with problems from the beginning. I had just miscarried (very early) and went back to the doctor because I still felt pregnant, only to find out that I was pregnant AGAIN! Very early into the pregnancy, I developed a cyst on my ovary that ruptured and bled. The same day the doctor found the cyst, he saw the gestational sac on the ultrasound. It was empty. When he told me, I could tell he didn't think it would be a viable pregnancy. He tried to sound positive, saying that it was early, and a baby still could show up, but to try and not get my hopes up. All of my levels and everything else looked great so he wanted to wait and do another ultrasound the following week to see if there was anything in the sac.
I held on to the hope that it was too early to see anything and I prayed and prayed for a miracle. And although I couldn't explain why, from the minute he told me what the levels were, I just KNEW there was more than one baby. The following week he did another ultrasound to check on the cyst (which was healing nicely) and look at the sac. Sure enough, within the gestational sac were two yolk sacs. It was too early to see the babies themselves, but he told me the yolk sacs were normal size, although one was slightly smaller than the other. He cautioned me to not get excited yet, because this looked like a rare type of pregnancy--mono-amniotic twins, and it came with a high risk of miscarriage.
Mono-amniotic twins means that the babies are both inside one gestational sac. It can be dangerous, because there is a risk of the babies getting entangled in each other's cords, twin-to-twin transfusion, (where one twin basically takes the other's blood and nutrient supply) premature rupture of membranes (water breaking too early) you name it. In a typical "momo twins" (the nickname for it) pregnancy, once the babies reach "viability", (24 weeks) the mother is hospitalized and on complete bed rest until the end of the pregnancy. Only a small percent of momo-twins make it to term. The vast majority of them are delivered prematurely. (I know all of this because I did a ton of research as soon as I got home from the doctor's office.)
Even in the face of this possibility, we were elated. The doctor had told us that twins who form inside the same sac are always identical, so we knew that they would look alike. We told our families the big news, and started planning for twins right away. We picked out names for them. Nicholas was convinced they were girls, and the girl names were what we focused on. We only got as far as picking out middle names for boys--Nick felt that there was no need. We dreamed about what they would look like and what our life would be like with 4 children.
Over the next few weeks, I went back and forth to the doctor for ultrasounds to check on the twins. One had been measuring smaller than the other, and it had taken a few extra days to show us a heartbeat than the first one, so he wanted to keep an eye on them. As time went by, the bigger of the babies, "Baby A", grew perfectly. But the smaller twin, "Baby B", was growing at a much slower rate, and the heart rate was much slower than it should have been. I still had hope, but I think that I knew deep down that Baby B was not going to make it.
One morning I woke up to find that I was spotting. I started crying, because I just KNEW that Baby B had gone to Heaven. I went back to the doctor and he did an ultrasound. Although he could find no reason for the spotting, he did confirm my worst fear: Baby B was gone. There had been no more growth and the heartbeat had stopped. He wanted me to keep coming back for more ultrasounds to make sure that Baby A was still doing okay, because twin loss made my miscarriage risk skyrocket.
Instead of grieving the loss of Baby B, I tried to focus on the baby that was still growing in there. The following weeks Baby A (we later found out she was a girl) proved that she was strong and doing just fine. And despite some scares with preterm labor and low amniotic fluid, she made it here just fine. She surprised us a month before her due date but she was just as healthy as could be.
The day we found out that the baby was a girl, we named both her and the twin who went to heaven. To the baby who was wiggling around in my tummy, we gave the name Gabrielle Arianna. And to the sweet angel who left us so early, we gave the name Grace Addison.
Looking at the pictures of the ultrasounds and remembering that part of the pregnancy that made me realize why I had been the way I was. I had never had a chance to really grieve the loss of our little Grace. I had been so focused on Gabrielle, and so scared that she, too, might leave us, that I had just shelved my feelings. Now, as I looked at the photographs, with the measurements and heart rates, I willingly let the tears come. I felt my heart breaking and I cried until my stomach hurt. The words of "Glory Baby" kept echoing in my mind and the harder I tried to think about how she was happy and healthy in Heaven, the harder it seemed to accept. I kept thinking of what it would have been like to have her here. I wondered what her personality would have been like, if she would have enjoyed "peek-a-boo" or enjoyed babbling at her Daddy and pinching his face the way that Gabrielle does.
So yes, now I am finally grieving. I am sad and I am allowing myself to finally feel it. I start to think about how I will never get to see her, or hold her, but then I catch myself and remember that one day, I will. In heaven. Perhaps that is why "Glory Baby" affected me so. Maybe I needed to be reminded that it is okay to be sad for her loss, but I also need to remember that she is with her Savior. "....Heaven is your home, and that's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know..." Jesus is holding her. She knows no sorrow, no pain, no suffering. And she never will. She will only know peace, and love and the Glory of Him. And one day, when I go home to be with him, I will finally hold her.
I must stop now; the tears are flowing again so it is obviously time for another good cry.
Below, I have posted the lyrics for the song, "Glory Baby" by Watermark.
~Michelle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glory baby, you slipped away
as fast as we could say baby, baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby, baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
But we miss you everyday,
Miss you in every way
But we know that there's a day when we will hold you,
We will hold you
And You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
First Steps
You know how some things happen in your life, and even though you don't know why, you know beyond any doubt that they are from God? Well, this is one of those instances.
It all started this past Sunday night. I had just finished watching a follow up show to HGTV's Design Star, called "The Antonio Project." (I have been following Design Star since season 1--I just love that show!) It suddenly occurred to me that I still had never seen or heard anything about last year's winner, Jen. Out of curiosity, I googled it and found a tear-jerker of a story about her life over the past year and her new son, who was born with lymphatic malformations.
At the bottom of the blog where she talked about her experiences, there was another post about a little girl with the same thing that Jen's son has. I started reading that blog, and once again, while reading, I was led to yet another blog page.
This one had a video and below the video were the lyrics to the song played in the video. At first, it looked like just any other video with pregnancy pictures and those taken after birth. But as I listened and read the lyrics, I was moved to tears. I realized that I was looking at pictures of a Mother and family holding a baby who had passed away.
I followed the link and began to read the story. It was so moving and it just tugged at my heartstrings like nothing else had. I think that the thing that struck me hardest about it was how happy they were. Here was this family who had lost this precious child and yet here they were smiling and loving on this beautiful baby. They weren't focusing on her death, or the sadness. They were rejoicing and praising God for the few hours that they were able to spend with her.
I followed the link and began to read the story of the baby's pregnancy and birth. As I read, I cried over and over. This was such a powerful, moving and inspiring story. I realized that I wanted the joy and peace that this woman and her family had. I wanted my own relationship with Jesus to be that strong. I looked at all of the pictures and videos posted, and listened to all of the songs that were played on the blog's page.
I went to bed not long after reading it, but I could not sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I kept hearing one of the songs over and over in my head. Every time the chorus would "play" in my head, I would start sobbing again. The whole thing just touched me so. I picked up Gabrielle, who was sleeping in her co-sleeper next to my bed and just held her and cried and cried. I cried for the Mother in the story's pain. I cried for myself and my own Angels in Heaven. I cried for all of my shortcomings as a Mother. But most of all, I cried for my relationship with Jesus. I was so far away, it seemed. I hadn't really talked to him in so, so long. Sure, I had prayed, but there is a difference between saying prayers and just talking to him and letting him in.
The next day, I was a mass of emotions and kept thinking of the night before's events. I was weepy and I kept finding myself choking back tears. I felt something inside me that told me I needed to just sit down and write. I got Calum up for school and put him on the bus, and sat down at the computer. At first I wasn't sure what to write about, but then I was suddenly flooded with memories and I realized that God wanted me to write my story. The whole story, from the beginning until now. I didn't know the purpose of it, but I knew that I just needed to
write it.
I started it on on the computer but as I continued on, it occurred to me that I should make a blog page for the story. I started to wonder if maybe my story might be helpful to someone out there. Maybe there was another person who had gone through similar circumstances, and just needed to know they were not alone. So I created a Blogger account and continued to write.
As I wrote about my life as a young child, and thought about the following years that had been so hard for me, another memory came to me. This time it was of my Senior year, at our Show Choir's spring concert. They held a "Senior Spotlight" performance in which all the seniors were allowed to perform a song or act of their choice--like a talent show, of sorts, but not a contest. I suddenly remembered a song that a girl had sang that night. Suddenly this song took the place of the one that was haunting me and I began to hear its chorus over and over in my head:
"When you walk through the water, I will be with you. And the rivers will never overflow you, though you walk through deep water, I will be with you. Through the flood and flame, you won't be burned or drowned. I am the God who lifts you up, and I'll never let you down."
I googled the song, found a streaming audio file and listened to it as I wrote. It was the bible verse* referenced in the song that inspired the name of my blog. I have given it the title, "Through the Waters". Here is what I have written so far...
And now, here I have been, pouring my heart out--page after page into type. I can't explain it, but the words just keep flowing. The stories are getting longer and longer, but I just cannot help myself. I feel that God is leading me to do this. And for once in my life, I am going to just shut up and follow his instructions, instead of questioning everything like I always do.
I am keeping my story separate from this page for the simple reason that it is in the past, and this blog is going to be about my present and future, the realizations that I come to and the decisions that I make as I grow in Christ.
So feel free to join me on this journey. I don't know where this road will lead but I know that there is a reason. Perhaps he will show me, perhaps not. But I know in my heart that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. **
The blogs that I mentioned here are posted below:
Jennifer Bertrand (HGTV Design Star Season 3 Winner)... http://jeneanmorrison.typepad.com/jenart/2009/09/guest-blogger-jennifer-bertrand-winner-of-design-star-season-three.html
Bring the Rain: The Story of Audrey Caroline... http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Yours,
~Michelle
* "...When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
** "..And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
It all started this past Sunday night. I had just finished watching a follow up show to HGTV's Design Star, called "The Antonio Project." (I have been following Design Star since season 1--I just love that show!) It suddenly occurred to me that I still had never seen or heard anything about last year's winner, Jen. Out of curiosity, I googled it and found a tear-jerker of a story about her life over the past year and her new son, who was born with lymphatic malformations.
At the bottom of the blog where she talked about her experiences, there was another post about a little girl with the same thing that Jen's son has. I started reading that blog, and once again, while reading, I was led to yet another blog page.
This one had a video and below the video were the lyrics to the song played in the video. At first, it looked like just any other video with pregnancy pictures and those taken after birth. But as I listened and read the lyrics, I was moved to tears. I realized that I was looking at pictures of a Mother and family holding a baby who had passed away.
I followed the link and began to read the story. It was so moving and it just tugged at my heartstrings like nothing else had. I think that the thing that struck me hardest about it was how happy they were. Here was this family who had lost this precious child and yet here they were smiling and loving on this beautiful baby. They weren't focusing on her death, or the sadness. They were rejoicing and praising God for the few hours that they were able to spend with her.
I followed the link and began to read the story of the baby's pregnancy and birth. As I read, I cried over and over. This was such a powerful, moving and inspiring story. I realized that I wanted the joy and peace that this woman and her family had. I wanted my own relationship with Jesus to be that strong. I looked at all of the pictures and videos posted, and listened to all of the songs that were played on the blog's page.
I went to bed not long after reading it, but I could not sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I kept hearing one of the songs over and over in my head. Every time the chorus would "play" in my head, I would start sobbing again. The whole thing just touched me so. I picked up Gabrielle, who was sleeping in her co-sleeper next to my bed and just held her and cried and cried. I cried for the Mother in the story's pain. I cried for myself and my own Angels in Heaven. I cried for all of my shortcomings as a Mother. But most of all, I cried for my relationship with Jesus. I was so far away, it seemed. I hadn't really talked to him in so, so long. Sure, I had prayed, but there is a difference between saying prayers and just talking to him and letting him in.
The next day, I was a mass of emotions and kept thinking of the night before's events. I was weepy and I kept finding myself choking back tears. I felt something inside me that told me I needed to just sit down and write. I got Calum up for school and put him on the bus, and sat down at the computer. At first I wasn't sure what to write about, but then I was suddenly flooded with memories and I realized that God wanted me to write my story. The whole story, from the beginning until now. I didn't know the purpose of it, but I knew that I just needed to
write it.
I started it on on the computer but as I continued on, it occurred to me that I should make a blog page for the story. I started to wonder if maybe my story might be helpful to someone out there. Maybe there was another person who had gone through similar circumstances, and just needed to know they were not alone. So I created a Blogger account and continued to write.
As I wrote about my life as a young child, and thought about the following years that had been so hard for me, another memory came to me. This time it was of my Senior year, at our Show Choir's spring concert. They held a "Senior Spotlight" performance in which all the seniors were allowed to perform a song or act of their choice--like a talent show, of sorts, but not a contest. I suddenly remembered a song that a girl had sang that night. Suddenly this song took the place of the one that was haunting me and I began to hear its chorus over and over in my head:
"When you walk through the water, I will be with you. And the rivers will never overflow you, though you walk through deep water, I will be with you. Through the flood and flame, you won't be burned or drowned. I am the God who lifts you up, and I'll never let you down."
I googled the song, found a streaming audio file and listened to it as I wrote. It was the bible verse* referenced in the song that inspired the name of my blog. I have given it the title, "Through the Waters". Here is what I have written so far...
And now, here I have been, pouring my heart out--page after page into type. I can't explain it, but the words just keep flowing. The stories are getting longer and longer, but I just cannot help myself. I feel that God is leading me to do this. And for once in my life, I am going to just shut up and follow his instructions, instead of questioning everything like I always do.
I am keeping my story separate from this page for the simple reason that it is in the past, and this blog is going to be about my present and future, the realizations that I come to and the decisions that I make as I grow in Christ.
So feel free to join me on this journey. I don't know where this road will lead but I know that there is a reason. Perhaps he will show me, perhaps not. But I know in my heart that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. **
The blogs that I mentioned here are posted below:
Jennifer Bertrand (HGTV Design Star Season 3 Winner)... http://jeneanmorrison.typepad.com/jenart/2009/09/guest-blogger-jennifer-bertrand-winner-of-design-star-season-three.html
Bring the Rain: The Story of Audrey Caroline... http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Yours,
~Michelle
* "...When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
** "..And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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