I wanted to wait a bit before I made my next post, but my heart is so very full right now and I just need to let this out.
Last night, after writing that post, I could not sleep. I spent quite a bit of time in prayer, talking with God about forgiveness. I laid awake for what seemed like hours, chewing things over in my mind. Nicholas woke up and I talked to him about everything. Or rather, I rambled on and on and he listened as well as one who is not completely awake, can do.
As I talked about the part where God's word says that I need to forgive others so that God can forgive me, he stopped me and said he didn't think that was really true, that God would still forgive me. Ever the argumentative one, I rattled off Matthew 6:14-15 to him: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Well...OK. I didn't completely rattle it off. I kind of stumbled over it, and forgot the actual address but I knew what it said... I had the right idea!)
As soon as I had finished saying the verse, I realized something. For the first time in my Christian life, I have truly been seeking God's Word. Until now, I have never really looked to His Word. I have looked at it, I've read it, I have even memorized some scripture throughout my life. But I have never saught it.
In times of trouble. I have just prayed, "Your will be done" and just pushed on through whatever trial I was facing. In times that have been good, I have all but forgotten about it. I guess that I had been telling myself that believing He was there, and that He died to save me from my sin was enough for me. Obviously it is not.
The difference in me now is that I can finally see that his Word is a great big part of this relationship with Him, and it's been missing all these years. As I have decided to truly, freely seek it, it has taken its place as a huge part of my life. I am thirsting for it, absorbing it and standing on it.
I am finding an application for it in just about everything in my life. When I have heard that my friends are down, I've used it to try and comfort them. When those little negative thoughts have started to creep in, I have used it to shoo them away. When a nasty spider came to visit me and my children the other day, I used it to call upon the power of Jesus to give me the courage to whack it with a shoe. (I typically run screaming when I see one)
As I lay there thinking about all of this, I felt something inside me that I hadn't truly felt before: peace. I felt a deep, real peace. The kind that you can just wrap yourself up with and rest in. The kind I have never known.
Ever since this began, I have felt God leading me in the directions where I need to go. I have had realizations and affirmations. But, despite what I feel I am learning, and despite how many times I have sat down and poured my heart out to him in these past 10 days or so, I still have not felt that I have been "heard".
It's not that I was looking for an answer. That, He has already given me. No, what I have been looking for, and craving is His presence. I have been longing to feel Him there beside me when I pray. And even though I haven't been feeling it, I have not doubted Him. I have kept telling myself that He is there, He hears me and He will reveal himself to me when the time is right.
Last night, I truly, truly, felt God's presence. I felt Him wrapping his arms around me and I felt His love and his peace. I finally know what it is like to feel that peace that passes all understanding.
As I write this, the tears are starting to flow. I am so filled with emotion right now. I feel this deep and fulfilling love that is just flooding me. I have a true and profound Joy and I feel as though my heart is going to burst!
"I have told you these things, that My joy and delight may be in you, and that your joy and gladness may be of full measure and complete and overflowing. John 15: 11" He has given me overflowing joy and gladness. It is my prayer that he fills you with it as well.
As I pondered all of this last night, a song kept playing over and over in my head. I leave you with the chorus to that song; I believe that it fits here quite nicely:
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
All my love,
~Michelle
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Out with the Old...
As we prepare to finish and move into the new house, I've slowly been trying to go through all of our stuff and get rid of things we don't need. When we move in, I don't want a bunch of extra junk to find a place for that is just going to sit there and remain unused. I want my house to be clean and clutter-free.
I started with the boys' room and have stripped it down to bare bones, pretty much. And For those who think that's mean, you must understand: my children's toys and clothing possess the magical ability to multiply and furthermore, scatter themselves randomly about the house.
For every bag of toys or clothes that I get rid of, I swear, two more spawn in its place, and always right in the way of where I am going. So, knowing this, I have no qualms about only letting them have a handful of toys and nothing extra. Same with clothes--one outfit of each season for each day of the week is it. They don't need anything else. I'm tired of all the bags upon bags of clothes that they have--clothes that find their way out of the bags and end up sprawled everywhere.
It has dawned on me as I have gone on this "spree", that the same thing is going on in my life. I am still holding on to a whole lot of extra "baggage" that I've been carrying around for years. Rather than leave it behind, I've packed up all of the negative things I've experienced, and all things people said/did to me and I have dragged them with me. These things, like my kids' clothes and toys, seem to find their way out of their bags and end up scattered about my life.
In the time that I have been alive, I have gone through a lot. Those that know me closely are aware of some of the specific trials that I have been through. Many an evil or hurtful thing has been done to or has happened to me.
Up until now, my thoughts toward the people who hurt me have always been those of indignance and self-righteousness. I've taken a "How dare they" stance toward those who have wronged me, and considered myself a better person than they. My attitude has been one of "they will get theirs, someday, just wait." And to those who I have since discovered became followers of Christ, I've been bitter toward. I have told myself "they aren't truly Christians", "God won't accept them because of what they did to me", "they never asked me for forgiveness", ad nauseum.
Paul tells us in Romans 12:17-21, "Repay no one evil for evil ... live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves ... for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Therefore if your enemy hungers, feed him; if he thirsts, give him a drink ... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
I had to stop and take a good, long look at myself and ask myself these questions: Have I been "living peaceably with all men?" No. Have I been overcoming evil with good? No. Have I been repaying evil for evil? Yes. Oh, how foolish and ashamed I feel now. I have become what I once despised; I have taken on that "Holier than thou." persona.
I always thought that phrase was aimed at people who thought their works were better than others, or that they were better because they gave more money to the church, etc. But no... No, this phrase is reserved for hypocrites like me.
John 2:9-11 gave me a good shove off the high horse I've been riding on.... "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 10Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. 11But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him." Ouch. When you read that "Ouch", think about the movie, "E.T." and the way that he said it--that long, deep, guttural, "ouch"..."Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuch."
Luke 6:35-38, and 41-42 is another one that hits home: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ""Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
I cannot think of myself as any better than anyone else, especially those who have hurt me. Their sin is no greater than my own. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 "All"--including me. I have sin in my own life, so why would I be any less to blame for it than they? Nice reality check, isn't it...It's amazing how I am aware of my sin but unaware of it at the same time. (is this clear as mud yet?)
Matthew 6:14-15 tells me, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." So this means that as long as I hold on to these grudges and think these vindictive things toward these people, I cannot be forgiven for my own sins, right? ...Exactly. OUCH, again.
In Colossians 3:13, we are told, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Such simple instructions. They go right along with those such as "Love your neighbor" and "Do unto others." And yet how easily it has evaded me. How simple it is to carry hurt and pain and anger around with you, rather than to just let it go and leave it behind.
In a previous post, I talked about how I have been hanging onto my sin and beating myself up for it. I didn't understand why I did it. Now I think I know. How can I be forgiven if I do not forgive others? This has really, really opened my eyes. It hurts and it is shameful to admit it, but I guess that is all part of the growing. My Mom likes to say, "Sometimes you have to hurt so that you can heal." She's so right.
I have also realized that I have been guilty of using my past and all its sadness as a crutch. I don't know how many times I have made excuses for myself and blamed my own foolish actions on "everything I have been through", rather than taking responsibility for them. "Wah, wah, I've gone through (insert painful part of my past here), therefore it's not my fault, I can't do it", etc. I've played the part of the victim, and I've played it oh, so well.
So many realizations, all at once. It's almost a bit overwhelming. Thank God for the Word. In Matthew 5:44-45, He tells me what to do: "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."
My task is clear: In in order to rid myself of all this extra baggage, I need to recognize the fact that I am no better than anyone who has committed a wrong against me. We are all sinners and none of us are greater than any other, especially me. I need to rid myself of the vengeful and vindictive thoughts toward these people, and forgive them. Furthermore, I need to pray for them. "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:25 I also need to ask God to forgive me for the thoughts I have held against them.
"But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:62)
It's time to pack up all this bitterness, negativity, self-righteousness and this unforgiving spirit and leave it on the road behind me. If I continue to carry it, I will never be able move on. I will never become the person God wants me to be.
This has been a painful realization for me. And yet, at the same time, it has been liberating. As I have come to grips with these things, the chains that have been holding me back are breaking. I can finally move on now.
I leave you with this verse, which has been playing over and over in my mind: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14)
Here's to remembering to forget what is behind and pressing on toward the goal.
Blessings,
~Michelle
I started with the boys' room and have stripped it down to bare bones, pretty much. And For those who think that's mean, you must understand: my children's toys and clothing possess the magical ability to multiply and furthermore, scatter themselves randomly about the house.
For every bag of toys or clothes that I get rid of, I swear, two more spawn in its place, and always right in the way of where I am going. So, knowing this, I have no qualms about only letting them have a handful of toys and nothing extra. Same with clothes--one outfit of each season for each day of the week is it. They don't need anything else. I'm tired of all the bags upon bags of clothes that they have--clothes that find their way out of the bags and end up sprawled everywhere.
It has dawned on me as I have gone on this "spree", that the same thing is going on in my life. I am still holding on to a whole lot of extra "baggage" that I've been carrying around for years. Rather than leave it behind, I've packed up all of the negative things I've experienced, and all things people said/did to me and I have dragged them with me. These things, like my kids' clothes and toys, seem to find their way out of their bags and end up scattered about my life.
In the time that I have been alive, I have gone through a lot. Those that know me closely are aware of some of the specific trials that I have been through. Many an evil or hurtful thing has been done to or has happened to me.
Up until now, my thoughts toward the people who hurt me have always been those of indignance and self-righteousness. I've taken a "How dare they" stance toward those who have wronged me, and considered myself a better person than they. My attitude has been one of "they will get theirs, someday, just wait." And to those who I have since discovered became followers of Christ, I've been bitter toward. I have told myself "they aren't truly Christians", "God won't accept them because of what they did to me", "they never asked me for forgiveness", ad nauseum.
Paul tells us in Romans 12:17-21, "Repay no one evil for evil ... live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves ... for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Therefore if your enemy hungers, feed him; if he thirsts, give him a drink ... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
I had to stop and take a good, long look at myself and ask myself these questions: Have I been "living peaceably with all men?" No. Have I been overcoming evil with good? No. Have I been repaying evil for evil? Yes. Oh, how foolish and ashamed I feel now. I have become what I once despised; I have taken on that "Holier than thou." persona.
I always thought that phrase was aimed at people who thought their works were better than others, or that they were better because they gave more money to the church, etc. But no... No, this phrase is reserved for hypocrites like me.
John 2:9-11 gave me a good shove off the high horse I've been riding on.... "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 10Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. 11But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him." Ouch. When you read that "Ouch", think about the movie, "E.T." and the way that he said it--that long, deep, guttural, "ouch"..."Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuch."
Luke 6:35-38, and 41-42 is another one that hits home: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ""Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
I cannot think of myself as any better than anyone else, especially those who have hurt me. Their sin is no greater than my own. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 "All"--including me. I have sin in my own life, so why would I be any less to blame for it than they? Nice reality check, isn't it...It's amazing how I am aware of my sin but unaware of it at the same time. (is this clear as mud yet?)
Matthew 6:14-15 tells me, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." So this means that as long as I hold on to these grudges and think these vindictive things toward these people, I cannot be forgiven for my own sins, right? ...Exactly. OUCH, again.
In Colossians 3:13, we are told, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Such simple instructions. They go right along with those such as "Love your neighbor" and "Do unto others." And yet how easily it has evaded me. How simple it is to carry hurt and pain and anger around with you, rather than to just let it go and leave it behind.
In a previous post, I talked about how I have been hanging onto my sin and beating myself up for it. I didn't understand why I did it. Now I think I know. How can I be forgiven if I do not forgive others? This has really, really opened my eyes. It hurts and it is shameful to admit it, but I guess that is all part of the growing. My Mom likes to say, "Sometimes you have to hurt so that you can heal." She's so right.
I have also realized that I have been guilty of using my past and all its sadness as a crutch. I don't know how many times I have made excuses for myself and blamed my own foolish actions on "everything I have been through", rather than taking responsibility for them. "Wah, wah, I've gone through (insert painful part of my past here), therefore it's not my fault, I can't do it", etc. I've played the part of the victim, and I've played it oh, so well.
So many realizations, all at once. It's almost a bit overwhelming. Thank God for the Word. In Matthew 5:44-45, He tells me what to do: "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."
My task is clear: In in order to rid myself of all this extra baggage, I need to recognize the fact that I am no better than anyone who has committed a wrong against me. We are all sinners and none of us are greater than any other, especially me. I need to rid myself of the vengeful and vindictive thoughts toward these people, and forgive them. Furthermore, I need to pray for them. "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:25 I also need to ask God to forgive me for the thoughts I have held against them.
"But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:62)
It's time to pack up all this bitterness, negativity, self-righteousness and this unforgiving spirit and leave it on the road behind me. If I continue to carry it, I will never be able move on. I will never become the person God wants me to be.
This has been a painful realization for me. And yet, at the same time, it has been liberating. As I have come to grips with these things, the chains that have been holding me back are breaking. I can finally move on now.
I leave you with this verse, which has been playing over and over in my mind: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14)
Here's to remembering to forget what is behind and pressing on toward the goal.
Blessings,
~Michelle
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