The Reason

I am reminded every day just what a wonderful man my husband is, and how right he is for me. I have no doubt that he was chosen by God to be my partner, friend and leader.

I could not sleep again last night, and this time, instead of sitting there in the dark crying over my daughter, I decided to talk to Nicholas about what I was going through.

My husband is one of those people who is wise beyond their years. And his response to what I told him was not only unexpected, but profound. And painful to hear.

Me: "Babe, do you ever feel like you grow weary of life and all its hardships, and sometimes you just wish for it to be over with so you can be in Heaven?"

Him: "No. Not at all. Michelle, I am happy with life. Why would you say something like that anyway? Are you unhappy? What's wrong?"

It was here that I told him about how I realized that I needed to grieve for baby Grace. Before I could continue on to tell him about how I had also realized that I had set my relationship with Jesus on the back burner, he cut me off. He asked if this was something I needed to just talk about, to get out, and I told him yes. I was not prepared for what he said next. Rather than catering to my sad and over-emotional state, (which was what I wanted) he threw a reality brick at me. Not in a bad way. It was exactly what I needed.

He told me a parable, of sorts, of a farmer. This farmer has some healthy seeds. He tills the soil and plants the seeds. He waters and cares for them and watches over them as they grow into plants. As they grow, he notices that one of the plants is not doing as well as the rest of them. Time goes by and this plant begins to die. As the plant dies, the farmer realizes that the roots of the dying plant are choking off the roots of the healthy plants. So he removes the plant and the roots from the ground.

He stopped there and asked me, "Michelle, do you think that the farmer should dwell on the lost plant, and let it stay there simply because he will miss it? No. He knows that in order for the other plants to flourish, he needs to remove the dead plant."

At first, what he said made me angry: "But this was a BABY! A human being, a life! Not some stupid plant!" I started to tear up again.

"You're taking this the wrong way. I'm not saying that you can't be sad, or that you have to just bottle your feelings and go on. I'm saying that you should not DWELL on it. Grieve, get it out, and LET IT GO. I'm sorry, Baby, but you have a tendency to hold on to things a lot longer than you should."

I bit my lip. He asked, "Are you THAT unhappy that you just want it to end? Is our life THAT bad for you?"

Before I could answer, he cut me off again. "Michelle, no matter how bad things get, I never wish for my life to end because it is a GIFT that God gives us! He wants us to LIVE, and to love Him and love each other! If I were to say that I was tired of this life and wanted it to end, it would be like saying to God, 'Well, God, this Jaguar is nice, but you know, I really wanted a Porsche.' You honestly don't feel that your words right now are a slap in the face to God?"

I had nothing to say to that. He continued:

"Michelle, do you ever stop and think about the GOOD things that we have? Do you ever remember to thank God for all that he has given us?" Silence.

"I don't think that you realize just how blessed we are. You are always focused on what's wrong, or missing, or whatever struggle we are facing this minute to notice what a gift this life is."

The words hit me like a ton of bricks. He had hit it, dead on.

But I was wounded. So I shot back, "How can you be so happy right now? How can you just sit there and smile while our lives fall apart? God, don't you ever feel ANYTHING?" (the details of how things have been "falling apart" for us will be in my story which I referenced in my first post here--once I get to that point, of course.)

He suddenly turned to me and there was a sternness to his voice that I only hear when he is disciplining our children.

"Michelle, you need to learn to accept things as they are and be happy. You need to start thanking God for what you HAVE, instead of whining and dwelling on the things you don't have, or the things that you have lost. Rather than going on and on about a baby that we never even got to see, you need to start being grateful and thank God for the beautiful blessing that is sleeping in that crib right there". He nodded toward Gabrielle's co-sleeper. He took a breath and looked back at me. "Until you do that, you are never going to be happy, no matter what you have."

Tears began to pour down my cheeks and I tried to stifle a sob. His voice was gentle and he lifted my chin and asked me, "What is so bad about your life? Tell me."

As I thought about it and started to list my reasons, he pointed out to me (and I realized, at the same time) that everything I put worth into was of this world. Where we lived, the circumstances of the kids being sick so much, our finances, things we didn't have, things I wished I could have done, and of course, Grace. But as I continued, I started to name things like my shortcomings in life, as a wife and mother, all the regrets I had, all the things I wanted to change about myself. I rambled on, and Nicholas suddenly stopped me and said, "Michelle, you don't love yourself."

The idea of loving oneself is slightly embarrassing and seems vain to me. But as he talked, I realized that he was right--what I was really unhappy with was ME. I have no self-worth. I don't feel like I am worth anything to anyone--God, my family, or myself.

I have always had a low self esteem. And through the years, I have tried to overcome it. But for some reason I've never been able to truly accept and be happy with myself. Through the rest of our conversation, I realized that I have a problem of confusing self-love with vanity. All of my attempts at improving my self-worth included things like PHYSICAL changes--getting my hair cut, new clothes, losing weight--all things that only deal with the outside. I thought that if I could change the outside to something I could be happy with, I would finally accept myself and be happy. Wrong. Obviously, that logic is flawed. Because here I am, umpteen haircuts and wardrobe changes, two more children and an almost-finished house later--still unhappy.

Of course, it wasn't only my appearance that I wanted to change. I constantly wish for better circumstances for us, more money, a new house, more children...if I just had (insert worldly possession, etc. here) I would finally be happy. Time and time again, I have tried to fill the hole that has been inside me for so long, with things of this world...the hole, that even though I asked Jesus to come into my heart, and I started to follow him, I've never ever let him fill. And yet it's so simple...he's the only one who CAN fill it for me. So why haven't I let him? Why can't I just let it go and let him fully take control and help to heal me?

We talked about it for quite some time. He told me that until I was able to forgive myself, and accept and love the person that I am, I cannot truly love anyone else--God, him, my children, family...anybody. At first I was irritated at what he said. But as I lay there, long after the conversation ended, I realized he is right.

"So...how do I learn to love myself? What do I need to do?"
"I don't know. I can't tell you that, you will have to figure it out for yourself."

I stared into the dark long after he fell asleep. So many questions were turning over and over in my mind. What is it that has been holding me back from forgiving, accepting and learning to love myself? Is it guilt? Fear? Fear of rejection? I have been chewing on this since last night.

Now I know the first thing I need to do besides allowing myself to grieve for baby Grace. I need to do some serious soul searching, praying, and let God show me how to overcome these obstacles that are preventing me from learning self-acceptance. I need to give EVERYTHING over to Jesus and let him be the one who fills this hole in my heart...because only he can.

And so I begin...please pray for me. Pray that I keep my heart open to him, that I am able to give myself to him, and that I can learn to accept myself and love myself for who I am--his creation.

Right now I am still racked with guilt for how I have let my relationship with him go to the sidelines and I am ashamed. This first part is going to be really hard for me.

~Michelle