First Steps

You know how some things happen in your life, and even though you don't know why, you know beyond any doubt that they are from God? Well, this is one of those instances.

It all started this past Sunday night. I had just finished watching a follow up show to HGTV's Design Star, called "The Antonio Project." (I have been following Design Star since season 1--I just love that show!) It suddenly occurred to me that I still had never seen or heard anything about last year's winner, Jen. Out of curiosity, I googled it and found a tear-jerker of a story about her life over the past year and her new son, who was born with lymphatic malformations.

At the bottom of the blog where she talked about her experiences, there was another post about a little girl with the same thing that Jen's son has. I started reading that blog, and once again, while reading, I was led to yet another blog page.

This one had a video and below the video were the lyrics to the song played in the video. At first, it looked like just any other video with pregnancy pictures and those taken after birth. But as I listened and read the lyrics, I was moved to tears. I realized that I was looking at pictures of a Mother and family holding a baby who had passed away.

I followed the link and began to read the story. It was so moving and it just tugged at my heartstrings like nothing else had. I think that the thing that struck me hardest about it was how happy they were. Here was this family who had lost this precious child and yet here they were smiling and loving on this beautiful baby. They weren't focusing on her death, or the sadness. They were rejoicing and praising God for the few hours that they were able to spend with her.

I followed the link and began to read the story of the baby's pregnancy and birth. As I read, I cried over and over. This was such a powerful, moving and inspiring story. I realized that I wanted the joy and peace that this woman and her family had. I wanted my own relationship with Jesus to be that strong. I looked at all of the pictures and videos posted, and listened to all of the songs that were played on the blog's page.

I went to bed not long after reading it, but I could not sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I kept hearing one of the songs over and over in my head. Every time the chorus would "play" in my head, I would start sobbing again. The whole thing just touched me so. I picked up Gabrielle, who was sleeping in her co-sleeper next to my bed and just held her and cried and cried. I cried for the Mother in the story's pain. I cried for myself and my own Angels in Heaven. I cried for all of my shortcomings as a Mother. But most of all, I cried for my relationship with Jesus. I was so far away, it seemed. I hadn't really talked to him in so, so long. Sure, I had prayed, but there is a difference between saying prayers and just talking to him and letting him in.

The next day, I was a mass of emotions and kept thinking of the night before's events. I was weepy and I kept finding myself choking back tears. I felt something inside me that told me I needed to just sit down and write. I got Calum up for school and put him on the bus, and sat down at the computer. At first I wasn't sure what to write about, but then I was suddenly flooded with memories and I realized that God wanted me to write my story. The whole story, from the beginning until now. I didn't know the purpose of it, but I knew that I just needed to
write it.

I started it on on the computer but as I continued on, it occurred to me that I should make a blog page for the story. I started to wonder if maybe my story might be helpful to someone out there. Maybe there was another person who had gone through similar circumstances, and just needed to know they were not alone. So I created a Blogger account and continued to write.

As I wrote about my life as a young child, and thought about the following years that had been so hard for me, another memory came to me. This time it was of my Senior year, at our Show Choir's spring concert. They held a "Senior Spotlight" performance in which all the seniors were allowed to perform a song or act of their choice--like a talent show, of sorts, but not a contest. I suddenly remembered a song that a girl had sang that night. Suddenly this song took the place of the one that was haunting me and I began to hear its chorus over and over in my head:

"When you walk through the water, I will be with you. And the rivers will never overflow you, though you walk through deep water, I will be with you. Through the flood and flame, you won't be burned or drowned. I am the God who lifts you up, and I'll never let you down."

I googled the song, found a streaming audio file and listened to it as I wrote. It was the bible verse* referenced in the song that inspired the name of my blog. I have given it the title, "Through the Waters". Here is what I have written so far...

And now, here I have been, pouring my heart out--page after page into type. I can't explain it, but the words just keep flowing. The stories are getting longer and longer, but I just cannot help myself. I feel that God is leading me to do this. And for once in my life, I am going to just shut up and follow his instructions, instead of questioning everything like I always do.

I am keeping my story separate from this page for the simple reason that it is in the past, and this blog is going to be about my present and future, the realizations that I come to and the decisions that I make as I grow in Christ.

So feel free to join me on this journey. I don't know where this road will lead but I know that there is a reason. Perhaps he will show me, perhaps not. But I know in my heart that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. **

The blogs that I mentioned here are posted below:

Jennifer Bertrand (HGTV Design Star Season 3 Winner)... http://jeneanmorrison.typepad.com/jenart/2009/09/guest-blogger-jennifer-bertrand-winner-of-design-star-season-three.html

Bring the Rain: The Story of Audrey Caroline... http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/


Yours,

~Michelle


* "...When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

** "..And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28